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After reading posts from Dog Ate My Finances and from Abby at I Pick Up Pennies, I thought I'd post something that's been weighing heavily on my mind. Talking to my aunt last week, I found out my cousin is currently homeless. She's not on the street (yet). If she were, I'd be driving down to get her. What bothered me was the random, "Oh by the way" manner in which it was dropped. It's not funny, it's not random, it's serious.
Apparently, my cousin has a shopping problem, no surprise considering her mother is 13 years clean and sober (addictive behaviors don't usually magically appear). She has stuff, she has friends, but she would rather shop than have stability, particularly if that stability comes with the judgmental eye of family.
Why does this weigh on me? When my cousin was a baby, I rocked her to sleep, and sang her lullabyes when her parents were getting divorce. When I graduated high school, she came to Phantom of the Opera with us to celebrate. I went to every school play and recital I knew about. When she was in high school, I used to spend time with her every week, trying to encourage her not to make the same mistakes I did. Now she's making all of them.
In truth, I don't think I have the means to help her, no more than anyone else could help me. I shopped to give gifts to my friends, my family, to try and take care of everyone I could, because I couldn't take care of myself.
If I had my cousin here, I would tell her how much I love her, and I would probably hold her, just like I did when we were little. I would tell her, her big sister loves her, that our mistakes don't make us, but what we do after we've screwed up does. I would tell her, it's only money, and money isn't worth your family, and it can never be a true friend.
I would point to the people we know who have many things and hate themselves, I'd tell her about some of the therapy I had to go through to get my head on straight, and I'd tell her that she's the only one that can make her life better, but I love her as is. We're not failures, we're works in progress, and some days that has to be good enough.
I would do any of these things if I even knew how to get a hold of her. But I can't because she's crashed out on someone's couch somewhere, because my cousin's homeless, and she's homeless because of things.
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2 comments:
Oh, my! I'm so sorry that you have this huge issue to deal with. The one thing I can say about my family: No one ever goes homeless. Of course, that's usually because, if necessary, kids move back in with their parents.
Obviously not an option you can offer her, since you don't have room and you're not her parent.
I think your instincts are right about how to handle the situation. (Other than, is anyone helping her have a yard sale or post her things on eBay to get money for rent? Or would she just spend it?) If she does show signs of wanting to turn over a new leaf, maybe you can help her find some sort of support group. Any addiction is still an addiction, so some of the groups might be willing to have her come and be supported there. You could always offer to go with her.
I hope she has learned something from all this. It's painful to watch and wait for a relative to hit bottom.
Thank you for your kind words. She is familiar with 12 step programs, and when she sees it as a problem, she does know where to get help. The problem is that first step of acknowledgement. I just keep her in my thoughts and prayers right now because I don't know what else to do. She's a state away and has shelter (and about 50 other family members in a 20 mile radius who take even less crap than I do :) ), even if it's not a home. Thank you again, I know you have your own things to deal with right now.
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